Think of a movie you watched a lot as a teenager. Mine, embarrassingly enough, was ‘The Mummy Returns’. Its sad but true. Either way. The movie I watch the most now is ‘Barbie: A Mermaid Tale’. And that’s because its what my kids, more specifically: Charlie, want to watch. And everything in my life is guided by that: What my kids want. But! There was a time when I did this by my personal choice. For instance: ‘The Mummy Returns’.
Once upon a time, I did stuff because I just could.
Your boobs must touch your belly button if you went from having huge boobs to tiny boobs. Get surgery cuz that shits gross.
Thanks, by the way, for publically pointing out one of my biggest self-conscious paranoia about my body. You literally have no idea the struggle that I have to go through seeing the bodies of people my own age & not seeing them riddled with imperfections & malformations that happens when you have two kids. (Not that I regret having my children, please don’t twist what I’m saying.) But you have NO IDEA what it is like to look at your body after you have children and notice the things that it did to your body that you never had to worry about before & that people my age usually don’t have to worry about. I wish you could be in my house and witness the struggle between my husband & I, when I’m crying about how my body looks & him trying to do everything in his power to convince me that I’m beautiful. I’m a girl. Girls freak out about every imperfection on their body. Throw two babies inside that body and imagine all the imperfections that can come out of it. I made the choice to not be responsible when I was young & ended up having Conner. Who saved me more time than I can remember & I absolutely, literally can’t imagine my life without him. But I had him when I was 15. Since I was 15 years old, I haven’t been able to wear a bathing suit in public without having a towel wrapped around me & begging for us to leave within a half an hour because I’m literally THAT uncomfortable. Do you know HOW BAD I want to go to the beach? Do you know who much I would love to lay in my lawn on a sunny day just to feel better? But I don’t. I won’t even lay in a bathing suit in my yard because I am literally THAT freaked out that someone will drive by me, look at me & go, “Ew, gross. That girl needs to put some clothes on!” I look at myself and I worry about what people will think of me if they saw my stretch marks and my imperfections. “Do they think these are disgusting? Do they think I’m gross? Oh my God, they must be totally repulsed by me.”
I find you a completely…….. just…. soul-crushing person. You really honestly did bring me down. You literally hurt me. You literally crushed me. Even just by that stupid anonymous comment. I worry EVERY DAY about this. And to sit here and point out something that not only ANY girl would be offended by… But ESPECIALLY by a mother who has two children & breastfed for 2+ years of her life. And, maybe, if there were some decent people left in the world, they wouldn’t judge me on how my body looked because they’re proud of the fact that I sacrificed the sake of my body & boobs (which to us ladies’ are our most important aspects) so I could breastfed my children for so long because it’s healthy for them & I’d rather them be healthy than have the body/boobs that a 21 year old SHOULD have. But there aren’t those people. There aren’t people who see what you’ve accomplished: They just see the mistakes/flaws that you have. You don’t care that I take care of my children and I sacrificed so much more than JUST my body to care for them. You don’t care about my accomplishments: You care about my flaws. Maybe instead of making fun, pointing out and being downright cold-hearted about one of my, and many girls’, paranoid insecurities, you could just be proud of the fact that I was WILLING to sacrifice them & make them look “SO GROSS” so my children could be healthy, happy children. Like a mother SHOULD.
I also hope that you feel really good about making me actually, legitimately cry because you not only did you address, point out & put focus upon one of my biggest insecurities: But you ACTUALLY MADE FUN OF IT. You actually sat here and tried to make me feel like shit. You sat here & made me literally feel gross.
I hope you feel accomplished. Because you really did get your point across.
Found another old Xanga entry I thought might be good to post:
June 30, 2006.
i can be the first to say that growing up is NOT easy. we all hold onto things that have happend to us. we wonder what’s going to happen in the future. we sit there and worry about moments in our life that might have turned out diffrently if we would have done this or that. we wonder if people that we’ve lost touch with will ever come back. we wonder if our broken hearts will ever be fixed. we worry if we’ll ever find love. we see people and wish that we could have what they have. we worry if we’ll ever be able to forget something bad that’s happend. we wonder. we worry. we wish.
last night i laid in bed and thought about the last few years of my life. the important years. the years that have really had major affects on my life. i thought about choices i’ve made. good and bad ones. i thought of mistakes i’ve made. i thought of the moments in my life when i knew i did the right thing. i thought of some decisions i made that if i might have made a different one.. my life would be totally different right now. i thought about everything and i realized that THINKING about the past and WORRYING about it and WISHING that i’d done this or that differently.. isn’t going to do anything. wishing that i’d made a different decision isn’t going to MAKE that decision happen. i already made that decision and there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.
i finally realized that i just have to let go of what HAS BEEN and look ahead to what CAN BE. why sit in the past wishing that i would have done something different when there’s a whole future waiting for me to make the decisions i wished i had THEN… now. i might have made the wrong decisions in the past but that just made me know which decisions i need to make in the future: dont fall for dumb lines. dont care about what people say. dont wait around for someone who’s not willing to wait for you. dont go against your instinct when it’s telling you NO. dont worry about what people think of you. dont do the things that you’ve done in your past that you regret.
that’s the amazing part of having a past.. you know NOW what you should have THEN. if there’s something that you’ve done in your past that you regret.. you’ve just learned an important lesson that you will remember for the rest of your life. forever you will know NOT to make that decision again. and you have to think about it that way: anytime you’ve been hurt in your past.. it just teaches you how to NOT get hurt in your future. yeah, it hurts now but it’s going to make sure you dont hurt again. and it might seem like that pain is NEVER going to go away but someday, eventually, even if it seems like it takes forever…. it WILL go away.. and just think… because you got hurt in that way… you wont EVER have to do it again because now you know.. and you won’t let it happen again because you know damn well that you don’t want to feel that way again.
i’ve learned that i need to get out of my past.. look towards my future and know that everything really DOES happen for a reason. so i don’t need to hate myself for the mistakes i’ve made.. i just need to forgive myself for growing up.
I was looking through my huge folder of WordPad documents & I found one named ‘Old Journal Entries’ & it’s years and years and YEARS of all my old Xanga entries! I forgot that I went through & found all of these. I found one entry from just over 4 years ago and, I don’t know why, it just seemed like something I should post. So much has changed and it blows me away.
Friday, March 10, 2006
blahhhhhhhhhhKJHFSIURHkfjnakfjnaikuherkaf. that is my mood right now. i can’t express it into works. so “blahhhhhhhhKJHFSTURHkjhakjfhkaf” works pretty good. i hate people who whine. so i dont want to sit here and whine. and i know that this is “my online journal” so sitting here and talking about hiw i really feel and what i really think isn’t technically “whining” but still. …i don’t know. i just don’t like doing it.
a couple of weeks ago.. i went through and read my entire xanga. [the a__WHOREABLEtragedy xanga, to be exact, before some SELFISH BITCH thought it would be cool to hack into it and SHUT IT DOWN. FYI: yeah, NOT SO COOL.].. and i was reading through all my entires and i went, “jesus christ.. I WAS SUCH A WHINER!”.. it seemed like all i ever did was whine and bitch about all my problems and shit. and, i don’t know.. it made me feel…….. weak, i guess is the best word to use. maybe not. “insecure”…? ”pathetic” even…? i don’t exactly know the word to describe it but… i dont like who that person was. i don’t like feeling like i don’t have control and when i look back and look at what i used to write and think about how i used to feel….. i felt so.. powerless. and i hated it. i hated me.
but then again, i haven’t really gotten as “in control” of my life as i make myself look. i front alot and i don’t like admitting to that. to be honest, i don’t know WHY im admitting to it but whatever. i know that.. i’ve built alot of walls. i’ve learned not to show emotions and fear and heartbreak and pain anymore. i’ve taught myself that anytime something bad comes along… to just forget about it.. “shit happens” in life.. not just mine.. it happens in everyone’s life. no one has a perfect life and sitting here and bitching and complaining isn’t going to do anything. so, instead of moping around crying about “boo-hoooo, my life SUCKS”.. i’ve just learned that “hey, shit happens.. im just gunna MOVE ON.”
and while that has helped.. it HASNT, too. recently i’ve realized that I DONT FORGET ABOUT IT.. instead, i just put walls up. something happens and i just push it to the back of my brain and “forget about it” and move on. but then something else happens and i just push it to the back of my brain and “forget about it”… before i knew it, i had TONS of stuff in the back of my brain that i had shoved behind this wall and….. it wasn’t strong enough to hold it all back.
two nights ago or something.. i just sat down and balled for like two hours. i don’t like sharing that. i dont like showing weakness and saying that i sat down on my floor cranking some sappy-ass michelle branch song and balled for two hours.. isn’t really showing my macho side. but i did. i sat there and i put “goodbye to you” on repeat and just flat-out.. ugly cry.. BALLED. and to be honest… i dont even really know why. nothing happend that night. nothing bad. nothing sad. nothing at ALL, really. but i just broke down and started crying.
i’ve been really down the last couple weeks. and yet again, nothing has really happend. …i’ve just been down. to be honest… i think my wall broke. i think that shoving all that shit in the back of my brain like nothing happend when, in reality, IT DID HAPPEN……. wasn’t such a good idea.
for the past week………. there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that i’ve woken up before…. 6 o’clock…….. PM. i’ve slept all my days away. i just dont want to deal with anything. and it’s not like anything is even HAPPENING.. I JUST DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH……. life. and so i sleep. and i sleep. and i sleep. and i sleep. and it’s not good. and… I DONT KNOW WHY. that’s the weirdest part.
no one has done anything to me. no one has said anything to me [not anyone of any kind of importance to me, at least.].. nothing even… remotely bad.. has happend to me in a long time. life has been decently good to me.. which is why i don’t understand why i’ve been depressed.
and then that’s when i realized that i never delt with any of the stuff that DID happen to me. i never delt with… anything. i pushed it behind me. i laughed about it. i said, “haaa, who cares..!?” when it was brought up. or my new famous line [ask anyone here that talks to me.. it comes out of my mouth every 5 sentences]: “SHIT HAPPENS”……
i tried to act like i didn’t care
when i really, really, reaaaaaaalllyyy fucking did.
it got to the point where i actually started to convince myself that i honestly didn’t care. i got SO GOOD at lying to everyone else that… IIII WAS EVEN BELIEVING IT. when i sat there and said, “i didnt care”…. i honestly thought that I DIDNT CARE. when i sat there and laughed about something that happend to me… i thought it was a real laugh because i was over it. it started out that i was just trying to show everyone else that i didn’t give a shit that i started to honestly, swear-to-god, 100% believe that I DIDNT GIVE A SHIT.
it caught up to me.
i don’t know. i’m not trying to whine. i’m not trying to bitch or complain or pull this pity-party, “‘ooohh, my life SUCKS ssoOOOoo much. give me your attention and PITTYY MEeeee!!” or anything like that. i’m just trying to show MYSELF that i’m not as “in control” as i’ve been making myself believe that i am.
something definately needs to change. i’m not exactly sure what.
ashley*: What the hell happened last night
TrinaMoon!: Everything that could possibly fucking happen.
TrinaMoon!: Stephen dumped me. He got a co-worker pregnant.
TrinaMoon!: Her name is Candice.
ashley*: Are you being FUCKING SERIOUS?
TrinaMoon!: She’s 3 months along.
ashley*: Oh MY God. I feel like crying for you :(
ashley*: …What the fuck.
ashley*: I don’t believe this shit
TrinaMoon!: Steph totally didn’t leave me.
ashley*: You’re an asshole.
TrinaMoon!: Steph told me to say it.
ashley*: THAT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY.
TrinaMoon!: ITS SO FUNNY. HAHAAHAHHA
TrinaMoon!: I can’t stop laughing.
ashley*: That is so awful Trina, don’t EVEN joke like that.
ashley*: No really, WTF REALLY HAPPENED
TrinaMoon!: You should come over. It’s long.
TrinaMoon!: And doesn’t involve extra-marital affairs.
ashley*: I’m literally walking-death right now.
TrinaMoon!: So am I.
ashley*: I need to get fucking Robotussin
TrinaMoon!: Annnnnd then come to Trina’s?
ashley*: My head literally exploded when you told me that.
ashley*: That. Is. Awful. I can’t get over it
TrinaMoon!: HAHHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. Blame Stephen. It was his hilarious/brilliant idea.
As of yesterday, Stephen & I have officially been together for 3 years. THREE. YEARS. And he hasn’t left one visible bruise!