Life on the Moon.

Flash Back - 4 Years Ago.

I was looking through my huge folder of WordPad documents & I found one named ‘Old Journal Entries’ & it’s years and years and YEARS of all my old Xanga entries! I forgot that I went through & found all of these. I found one entry from just over 4 years ago and, I don’t know why, it just seemed like something I should post. So much has changed and it blows me away.

Friday, March 10, 2006

 
blahhhhhhhhhhKJHFSIURHkfjnakfjnaikuherkaf.  that is my mood right now.  i can’t express it into works. so “blahhhhhhhhKJHFSTURHkjhakjfhkaf” works pretty good.  i hate people who whine.  so i dont want to sit here and whine.  and i know that this is “my online journal” so sitting here and talking about hiw i really feel and what i really think isn’t technically “whining” but still.  …i don’t know.  i just don’t like doing it.
a couple of weeks ago.. i went through and read my entire xanga.  [the a__WHOREABLEtragedy xanga, to be exact, before some SELFISH BITCH thought it would be cool to hack into it and SHUT IT DOWN.  FYI: yeah, NOT SO COOL.].. and i was reading through all my entires and i went, “jesus christ.. I WAS SUCH A WHINER!”.. it seemed like all i ever did was whine and bitch about all my problems and shit.  and, i don’t know.. it made me feel…….. weak, i guess is the best word to use.  maybe not. “insecure”…?  ”pathetic” even…? i don’t exactly know the word to describe it but… i dont like who that person was.  i don’t like feeling like i don’t have control and when i look back and look at what i used to write and think about how i used to feel….. i felt so.. powerless.  and i hated it.  i hated me.
but then again, i haven’t really gotten as “in control” of my life as i make myself look.  i front alot and i don’t like admitting to that.  to be honest, i don’t know WHY im admitting to it but whatever.  i know that.. i’ve built alot of walls.  i’ve learned not to show emotions and fear and heartbreak and pain anymore.  i’ve taught myself that anytime something bad comes along… to just forget about it.. “shit happens” in life.. not just mine.. it happens in everyone’s life.  no one has a perfect life and sitting here and bitching and complaining isn’t going to do anything.  so, instead of moping around crying about “boo-hoooo, my life SUCKS”.. i’ve just learned that “hey, shit happens.. im just gunna MOVE ON.”
and while that has helped.. it HASNT, too.  recently i’ve realized that I DONT FORGET ABOUT IT.. instead, i just put walls up.  something happens and i just push it to the back of my brain and “forget about it” and move on.  but then something else happens and i just push it to the back of my brain and “forget about it”… before i knew it, i had TONS of stuff in the back of my brain that i had shoved behind this wall and….. it wasn’t strong enough to hold it all back.
two nights ago or something.. i just sat down and balled for like two hours.  i don’t like sharing that.  i dont like showing weakness and saying that i sat down on my floor cranking some sappy-ass michelle branch song and balled for two hours.. isn’t really showing my macho side.  but i did.  i sat there and i put “goodbye to you” on repeat and just flat-out.. ugly cry.. BALLED.  and to be honest… i dont even really know why.  nothing happend that night.  nothing bad.  nothing sad.  nothing at ALL, really.  but i just broke down and started crying.
i’ve been really down the last couple weeks.  and yet again, nothing has really happend.  …i’ve just been down.  to be honest… i think my wall broke.  i think that shoving all that shit in the back of my brain like nothing happend when, in reality, IT DID HAPPEN……. wasn’t such a good idea.
for the past week………. there has not been ONE SINGLE DAY that i’ve woken up before…. 6 o’clock…….. PM.  i’ve slept all my days away.  i just dont want to deal with anything.  and it’s not like anything is even HAPPENING.. I JUST DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH……. life.  and so i sleep.  and i sleep.  and i sleep.  and i sleep.  and it’s not good.  and… I DONT KNOW WHY.  that’s the weirdest part.
no one has done anything to me.  no one has said anything to me [not anyone of any kind of importance to me, at least.].. nothing even… remotely bad.. has happend to me in a long time.  life has been decently good to me.. which is why i don’t understand why i’ve been depressed.
and then that’s when i realized that i never delt with any of the stuff that DID happen to me.  i never delt with… anything.   i pushed it behind me.  i laughed about it.  i said, “haaa, who cares..!?” when it was brought up.  or my new famous line [ask anyone here that talks to me.. it comes out of my mouth every 5 sentences]: “SHIT HAPPENS”……
i tried to act like i didn’t care
when i really, really, reaaaaaaalllyyy fucking did.
it got to the point where i actually started to convince myself that i honestly didn’t care.  i got SO GOOD at lying to everyone else that… IIII WAS EVEN BELIEVING IT.  when i sat there and said, “i didnt care”…. i honestly thought that I DIDNT CARE.  when i sat there and laughed about something that happend to me… i thought it was a real laugh because i was over it.  it started out that i was just trying to show everyone else that i didn’t give a shit that i started to honestly, swear-to-god, 100% believe that I DIDNT GIVE A SHIT.
it caught up to me.
i don’t know.  i’m not trying to whine.  i’m not trying to bitch or complain or pull this pity-party, “‘ooohh, my life SUCKS ssoOOOoo much. give me your attention and PITTYY MEeeee!!” or anything like that.  i’m just trying to show MYSELF that i’m not as “in control” as i’ve been making myself believe that i am.
something definately needs to change.  i’m not exactly sure what.